


What I Want

by Xochiquetzl



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Domestic Violence, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-04
Updated: 2005-03-04
Packaged: 2017-10-05 06:22:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/38684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xochiquetzl/pseuds/Xochiquetzl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is not the life I want."</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Want

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Violet's "Voices and Vaginas of HP Women" challenge.

_what i want is to be blessed  
what i want is a cloak of air  
the light entering my lungs  
my love entering my body  
the blessing descending  
like the sky  
sliding down the spectrum  
what i want is to be  
aware of the spaces between stars, to breathe  
continuously the sources of sky,  
a veined sail moving,  
my love never setting  
foot to the dark  
anvil of earth  
\--Pat Lowther,  
what i want_

I don't know what I'd do if he ever hurt the baby.

I wonder about it sometimes. I think I'd kill him, although I'm not sure. I hope I'd kill him. I think. I don't know if I'd use magic, or my bare hands, but the very thought of him hurting Severus makes me want to make him suffer, which scares me. I think I'd tear out his heart with my bare hands sometimes.

I no longer want to be the person he's turning me into.

Sometimes I think I'll just go. I wish I'd done it when I was pregnant. An actual squirming baby is a lot more difficult to cope with than a large belly. And he's always there; ever since he lost his job he never leaves the house. I don't see how I could take the baby and go without him knowing. And if he caught me leaving, would he hurt the baby?

I don't know what I'd do if he hurt the baby. I don't want to know.

He's always so sorry afterwards. He should be sorry. Sometimes I wish he'd really hurt me, so the guilt would last longer. Long enough for me to leave, perhaps.

This is not the life I want. This is not the life I want for my child.

I don't know what happened to the man I married. I don't know when he turned into this. I don't know when I turned into the sort of person who would stay with someone like this. He's hit me before; he'll hit me again. He'll hit me and choke me and maybe he'll kill me next time.

This is not the life I want.

What I want is to take my baby and go. Sometimes what I want is for him to die. Sometimes what I want is for him to be the person he used to be, but that won't happen.

I don't know what's going to happen to Severus, growing up like this.

I don't know what I'd do if he hurt the baby.


End file.
